Listen, bluds, if you wanna be phat with the kids, you should floss with some nang new words.

I spent Tuesday afternoon with my mother. My mother is a quieter woman than what she used to be, its down to either a) she's finally recovered from me leaving home, or b) the meds she are on makes her believe in constant zen. Ignorance is bliss.

Brother comes home from school and starts playing on my mothers softness that he 'needs' a Blackberry so he can 'bbm' his mates. Blackberrys are crap in my opinion. But i'm saying that because i've had an iPhone3g and as of last Friday an iPhone4, I think they're great, it's everything i want in a techy gadget. What can i say, my heart belongs to apple...


And no before you ask, unfortunately, that isn't my ass.






Brother announces that his old Samsung phone, however 'hench' it may be, because it survives when he throws it at a wall, isn't satisfying his needs. Instantly, i'm confused. Hench? What the hell does hench mean, the only sentence i would use hench in, is; 'The mafia boss and his hench men.' And even then, i don't really know what it means. I google it when i get home, and come across the 'Teenglish' dictionary. Mainly for parents to help understand their children. 

Now I understand Beef, though if someone came up to me and said what's your beef, I'd reply "medium to well done." Probably resulting in a black eye and a broken nose. Feds, Player and Rents are also understandable.


It's pretty confusing the language the youth of today use in this country. I'm pretty hardcore with teaching my son manners and getting him to pronounce his words properly. He won't really understand why he needs to use them but if I can get him to do so without needing to tell him, I'm hoping it will stick for life. But if someone came up to me and used this language in day to day conversations, although I would probably understand better than most adults, I doubt I'd understand a full conversation.. What's wrong with the Queens English and using it properly, why invent a new language? I think it's purposefully to confuse adults. Today, drugs and other undesirable things that you don't want your kids doing are easily at hand to them. I'm not saying all kids who use this language are up to something dodgy, it's just youth culture, but it makes them a lot more secretive. 
It's not like its new though, this secret language, for decades it's been going round, for example;
BAD – meant good (80s)
DARK – very good (mid 90s)
WICKED – excellent (80s – mid-90s)
SAFE – excellent (late 80s/early 90s)
YARD – home (90s to Present)
BREDRIN – friend (noughties-ongoing)
LATER(S) – goodbye (late 80s – present)
SICK – very good (noughties)

I’m not entirely sure parents should be “phat with their kids” though. Parents should talk like parents. “Cool Parents” is an oxymoron.

See here: for more teenglish jargon busting http://www.gotateenager.org.uk/default.aspx?page=jargonbuster

Hope you have a nang day ;)

Fat Man in Currys- Shrek 4

I like Currys. Usually. It's all shiny and there are amazing gadgets everywhere that you can pick up and play with. I don't like Curry's staff. They're crap. And rude. And crap. And I hate them even more when they prove me to be wrong. Especially as I'm never wrong.
After having a day to myself yesterday, child with Other Half's parents, it got to about 3pm and realised, i probably should do some tidying up. Got the vacuum cleaner out and it made a whiny noise and had lost some suction. Emptied it, bashed it about, still being whiny. So I decided as we have a 'Whatever happens' policy on it, i phoned Currys told them it was whining and they said to take it to a store and would be replaced. Phone father in law to take me to Currys, got to Currys and Supervisor 'Mark' whom resembles Shrek and whose shirt cannot be tucked in as it doesn't fit over the hairy planet for a belly he has, tells me it's probably the filter, which my cover doesn't cover and to try buying a new one.

"But I've barely had it 6 months it shouldn't need a new filter?"

Shrek: "Not our problem if it's the filter, you're not covered by the warranty."

"What does the bloody warranty cover then?"

Shrek: "If it breaks."

"It is broken."

Shrek: "If it's the filter you're not covered."

We're going round in a circle and I refuse to give into temptation by karate kicking Shrek in the stomach so hard that i bounce off him like a trampoline and end up in a fridge at the back of the store. And storm out, but not without sticking my tongue at him before i go.
Victory is mine.


We go back to the in laws and Father in law announces, "Your filter is blocked."


Apparently vacuuming talcum powder blocks the filter. I blame it on Child as he was the one who emptied the talc on the floor earlier in the week.
I don't back down without a fight.

They say never work with Children and Animals (Men count as Animals, as do parents and in laws)

I love my Other Half and Child very much. They do cause me to ponder though, if their aim in life is to drive me absolutely barmy.
Child is 2, 33 months old to be precise. I love him to bits. I love him a little more when he's sleeping if I'm shamefully honest. It can be hard work keeping up with him. I thought the hardest part would be when he was a new born, up all night, crying pooping. Not much has changed since then. The poop is less disgusting and he's an alright sleeper, he still has his dummy's for comfort which I won't begrudge him, makes for a peaceful household. He started pre school last summer and it has changed him so much. Obviously they grow and change so fast at that age anyway, i think it just helped. I find myself shocked when he points out something so obvious but i don't expect him to know, it's a proud feeling. Pre school has also made him cocky. Is it possible to have a cocky 2 year old you ask? Come and meet my son at the school gates at 3pm, you'll see. Its like for the 2 hours he's there, he seems to outgrow me. He won't hold my hand, he won't give me a kiss, anything i say is wrong. Usually we come home and there are arguments as he carries on being cocky and thinking he rules the roost. I don't want to be too firm- i thought of myself as a fun laid back parent, he can always come to me and i will always be there, like a friend. Only it doesn't work like that. I never had a brilliant relationship with my parents when i was younger, now i think we have an understanding of each other, they only started to play a part in my life again when i had my son. I wanted to be different, to try harder for him. Parents of toddlers who don't break are amazing, they should be the people running the country!
Child has been picking up a lot of words that he shouldn't be hearing. Giving me a heart attack when he repeats something out in public. I won't say exactly what he's been saying but it's innocent i guess and he doesn't know what it means. He has been saying stuff he knows he shouldn't be though. When he's getting a talking too he often responds "Shush Mummy." Which makes me even crosser, more shouting and he tells me to shut up... and so i do. The naughty step has quite a bit of use, a 'Supernanny' trick, though as 2 year olds don't have a concept of time, rather than instructing him to serve 5 minutes punishment on the step, he has to calm down from his tantrum then apologise and give me hug. I've dug manners into him, of all the toddlers I come across he is the most polite. I'm not going completely wrong then.
He's hard work but I love that boy and he makes me so proud, I dislike myself that it's only when he's in bed and all is calm that I look at him and think "god I love that kid."


Other Half is great, a pain in the arse too but great. He's the only person who can almost keep me grounded. I wind him up no end but we make each other laugh. I feel the need to annoy him all the time, in a fly around shit kind of way. That's one way to describe our love.
I like feeding him stupid made up facts and it's adorable in a way how he falls for them. One in particular that I fed to him when we first met is my favourite.

"Did you know when the titanic hit the iceberg
they boiled all the kettles on board to try and melt it."

Hook. Line. And Sinker. Never gonna let him live that one down.

He is a techy nerd, a whiz with computers. It's also a hobby of his, there's been many a time where I've accused him of loving the pc more than me. Obviously that isn't the case but I'm needy and whiny like that.
He decided late last year that he'd like another child so we've been ttc (trying to conceive) for the last 3 months with no luck yet, would be nice to announce some news soon, just hope my body gets into gear and helps out, feeling a little like a failure about it at the moment but trying to take a more relaxed approach about it and hope it works, as much as child is a bit of a pain, he'd be a brilliant big brother, so off i go to have a word with my child making bodily parts and try threatening them, as begging and pleading clearly isn't working.

Ironing on a need to wear basis is my contribution towards feminism

I never wake up in the best of moods. I don't think many people do in the mornings. Combined with the fact that my child wakes up super early, escapes from his bedroom and pours talc down the toilet, and that of the hugger of my Other Half. I like hugs in bed, but not when I'm trying to sleep and it's cutting off circulation.
I don't do breakfast, I do coffee. I can't start the day without a sweet milky coffee, it's like a 'go' button, you press it and we're off, occasionally needing to be recharged about 3pm.


Today was no different, 6am child in the bathroom creating a paste, usher him back into his room and back I go to bed, where Other Half is taking the piss when it comes to bed hogging. 
The house needs a good tidy. It always does to be honest. There's piles of stuff organised ready to be tidied or washed. I do it in stages, all the stuff that needs doing is in piles of organised messes. It sums up how i live my life really. 


Child is at pre school and usually this is the best opportunity to get things done, but I'm not bothering. I'm mourning the death of my ironing board. Never really a good friend, i only used her when i wanted something. Ironing I think, is such a housewifey thing to do, so stereotypical, doing it as and when is my contribution towards feminism. The selfish bitch died on me as i needed to iron some clothes for a mothers meeting at soft play. Usually I don't worry about what i wear, but my good friend LPM (lovely polished mummy) always looks so glam, people probably think she's taken up volunteer work caring for the homeless when we go out together, so i figured i should probably make an effort.


I'm off work ill with a neck problem and rather bored. I should be tidying up and organising my organised mess piles but i can't be bothered, blaming the medication i've been given as it makes me a little spaced out, which is rather worrying when i have a small child to be looking after. I've baked and played this week, and now can't possibly consume any more calories without resembling a Whale, so i really should be doing something. Usually I wait till it hits 5 o'clock and Other Half texts me to say he's on his way home, so i do a mad cleaning sprint to take away the guilt of having had such a lazy day. The plan for today is pick up child from pre school, plonk him on our bed and put Toy Story on as its the only thing that can keep him still for more than 5 minutes, then i'll have a coffee and hopefully it will stimulate something inside of me and I get something done, the guilt is too much if i don't bother.